Repair

If something is broken we tend to opt for either fix it or chuck it. Usually, this relates to an inanimate object. However, what if it were to be a relationship that has been broken? What do we do then? Fix it? Or chuck it? Suddenly, this becomes a much bigger question. 

From very early on we teach children to say “sorry”. This weighted word is a tricky one to manage. It can mean so much, but if not said with sincerity, mean so little. So what is it that we are really trying to teach our children? The word “sorry” or the meaning of being “sorry”. By definition, sorry means to feel with someone. To be empathetic to their situation and partake in how they feel about it. In theory, this feels like quite a difficult concept to teach a young child. But, we know that children learn from experience and so often copy (whether we want them to or not, or whether we realise it or not) our behaviours. So, if we are good at repairing a relationship, they have more chance of learning to as well. 

So, why can saying sorry be so difficult? Is it because we have to admit that we have done something wrong? Is it because we feel entitled to the way we behaved due to the actions of the other? Is it because we’re still to angry or wound up to be able to feel empathetic? All of these options (and more) may be at play. Nonetheless, when we do feel able, repairing a relationship is crucial. Without repair a child is left in a place of shame. They may not only believe they have done something to upset you, but they may think it is them who has upset you. Shame is believing you are bad. If a child is left feeling like this, over time, they start to develop a negative opinion of themselves and their worth. Without listing, I’m sure you can see how this can lead to a whole load of negative behaviours and low self esteem. 

But, what if we have been hurt, felt rejected, lashed out at, shouted/sworn at etc by our child? We are highly likely to get angry and respond accordingly. Let’s face it, we’re human and we all make mistakes. However, PACEful we are, there are times when we will get it wrong. That in itself is also hugely powerful. It gives permission to make a mistake, and then models how we manage this. 

Sometimes, when we try and repair, we all too easily try to excuse ourselves and our behaviour: “I’m sorry I shouted, but if you shouldn’t have hit the dog”. Any consequences for behaviour can and need to be managed. But that will only escalate feelings of shame if the connection that has been broken is not first reconnected. So how about: “I’m sorry I shouted. Seems like things were really tough for you just then”. The child feels accepted and the reconnecting can begin. Once connected, correction can be gently introduced. This must be timely to avoid the child slipping back to those feelings of shame. Another tricky thing to manage. As the adults, it seems important for us to not be sucked into arguing like a 2/4/14 year old, but instead, to set the example and realise how difficult it is to manage our big feelings without a fully functioning pre frontal cortex and as ours is likely to go back online first, we can be the adult and lead the repair. So, maybe, when it comes to relationships, we don’t want to chuck these. We need to repair them. 

Repair 

When something breaks, we usually have two choices: fix it or chuck it . This is something we often apply to inanimate objects. But what if it’s a relationship that’s broken? What do we do then? Do we fix it or walk away? Suddenly, the question becomes much more complex. 

From a very early age, we teach children to say “sorry.” This simple word holds a lot of weight, but it can be difficult to manage. “Sorry” can mean so much, but if it’s not said with sincerity, it can mean very little. So, what are we really teaching our children? Are we teaching them the word “sorry,” or are we teaching them the meaning behind it? By definition, "sorry" means to feel with someone—to be empathetic toward their feelings and experience. This may seem like a difficult concept to teach a young child, but we know that children learn by observing us. They often copy our behaviors—whether we realise it is happening or not. If we model how to repair relationships, they are more likely to learn how to do the same. 

So, why is saying “sorry” sometimes so difficult? Is it because admitting we’ve done something wrong feels uncomfortable? Is it because we feel justified in our actions because of how we were treated? Or is it because we’re still too angry or upset to feel empathy? All of these reasons (and more) might be at play. However, when we are able to repair a relationship, it is crucial. Without repair, a child can be left in a place of shame—not just for upsetting you, but for being the cause of the breakdown in the relationship. Shame is the feeling of believing that you are bad, and if a child is left with that belief, they can start to develop a negative view of themselves and their worth. This can lead to low self-esteem and all sorts of negative behaviours. 

But what if we’ve been hurt, rejected, or mistreated by our child? Perhaps we’ve been shouted at or felt disrespected. In those moments, we may well get angry and react accordingly. After all, we’re human, and we all make mistakes. Despite how calm or “PACEful” we try to be, there will be times when we get it wrong. But this, too, can be powerful. When we acknowledge our own mistakes, we model for our children how to manage errors and repair relationships. 

However, when we try to repair, we sometimes make the mistake of excusing our behaviour. For example: “I’m sorry I shouted, but you shouldn’t have hit the dog.” While it’s important to address and manage consequences, leading with that approach can escalate shame. It puts the focus on blame instead of reconnection. A more effective way to repair might be: “I’m sorry I shouted. It seems like things were really tough for you just then.” This acknowledges the child’s feelings, making them feel accepted, which helps to rebuild the connection. Once that connection is reestablished, you can gently introduce the need for correction—timing this carefully to avoid triggering feelings of shame again. 

It’s also important for us, as adults, to avoid getting caught in arguments that mirror childish behaviour. We must recognise how hard it is to manage big emotions, especially without a fully developed prefrontal cortex. When we manage our emotions well, we lead by example, showing our children how to repair relationships. 

So, when it comes to relationships—whether with a child, a partner, or a friend—maybe we shouldn’t just throw them away when they break. Instead, we need to make the effort to repair them. 

Repair can feel like it might let off sparks